For the love.

I should caveat this with something like: “I hate thinking stuff like this.”  I won’t, though, because Kristen Stewart makes me so furious.  I will say that I know it’s not her fault.  It’s not her fault that she’s an emo/normal hybrid.  It’s not her fault that the adolescent-girl-destroying Twilight is a megahit among 15 year-old and 40 year-old females.  It’s not her fault that she was born with eyes that don’t open all the way or a mouth that can’t smile or any of that.  Hell, if someone was in to the “receding hairline slightly obese giant head guy” thing for a movie or a series, I’d be happy to have her escort me across the kids choice awards stage.  Holy shit Hollywood, stop putting her in movies.  In “Snow White and the Hunstman” she’s supposed to be Snow White: the pinnacle of beauty and love and kindness.  And all she does is pout and make weird looks and tear up.  I didn't count, but I think she had maybe 37 words in the whole 2-hour movie.  And at the end, when she is crowned (spoiler), she stares at her subject looking like she’s pooping for like 2 minutes.

                                                          (Please...I need more fiber)

get it right

Often I am not as quick on the uptake as I would like to be.  And never am I subtle enough for that not to be known.  I have friends that deadpan respond to every situation as if they already know everything about it.  I have friends that have the sense to not immediately respond with “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?”  I have friends who sit there and judge your knowledge, garnering the meaning and info while the other person runs their mouth, and then become educated by the time they need to respond.  For me, conversations will be flowing and information will be forthcoming and then a word will be spoken that I don’t have a definitive understanding of.  In my last situation it was the word facile. It’s latin for “easy to do.”  However, I didn’t find that out until after I asked the person that said it what it meant (in Spanish it means just “easy” so I assumed it was that).  Actually, he told me a completely wrong interpretation.  When I was recanting the story of how stupid I was to a friend that actually knew the word, it became about how stupid he was.  Dummy. 

Fatty McGee

I'm starting to feel like Andy Rooney must have felt about 100% of the things he came across in his life.  I have (in most cases) either complete and utter disdain for new-found annoyances or a sense of wonder at the most simplistic items.  I can stand in awe of some realization of something I've done wrong/differently forever and then suddenly realized what makes it right/better.  This morning I realized that I sneeze like my mother unless I completely quell that sucker into an internal mind exploding squeak of a sneeze.  Moreover, though, I’ve realized that for years I’ve wondered why my shirts (button-up) have to be parachute like around my torso to fit my fat neck and arms. I still don’t have an answer for that question, but after looking at how they dress up models for shots with binder clips to make the clothes more form-fitting, I figured out how to compensate for it.  I wear binder clips all the time.  Ok, I don’t do that.  But I do pull my shirt behind me and tuck it in the back of my pants.  Voila! I have taken 260 pounds of fun and made it look like 254 pounds. 

God's will...

I listen to Howard Stern.  I know, I know, I’m a horrible person.  He does great interviews with actually interesting people, sprinkled with a lot of penis jokes/references.  I’m an (alleged) adult, I can handle that.  The place I connect, though, is with his anger.  I guess that’s what it is.  I used to think of it is just being negative but now I think that is the wrong description.  It’s negative and the idea that some other stupid thing made it that way.  It’s the reason I got off Facebook.  When people send questions about something I’ve sent them that start with “I haven’t read this, yet, but….,” or “Here’s something I’ve never asked for before but I’m going to pretend like I did…,” I get annoyed.  I think that is just projecting my experience on to their lack of, a functionally and irrationally inappropriate thing to do.  Sometimes it’s not.  And then sometimes I get worked up reading “news” articles.  Why read them?  Why do I do it?  However, how do you not get riled up at someone saying: “…even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that god intended to happen…”

Commercials.

So I'd like to say that I have this constant Christian struggle about same sex relationships, but I don't. There isn't a church that I've been a member of that hasn't had written in their core beliefs something about same-sex marriage being a sin and it being treatable. Actually, I don't really know what the core beliefs of the Episcopal church I grew up in were at the time. I do know, now, that they have a lesbian minister. So I would think that would put them outside the circle of this Venn diagram. I have, however, been a member of quite a few churches where many members of the church don't have the same core beliefs as the core beliefs of the church. That's a lot of rambling. My point is this. I've been picked on for being fat, having a big head, having zits, and being a wuss. I can't think of a reason (other than the standard deviations of all differential behavior) as to why one would want to put themselves in that course of ridicule and hatred. And I can't reason why other people should try and question that. If he cares, let God do it.  

HFM FTW

There's a lot to be said for having a whole mess o' kids. I think it's fair to say that I think three children qualifies as such a quantity. 90% of the time (I've adjusted that down from 95% very recently) they are the beacon of happiness. Doing loving and cute and funny and heart-warming things that they tend to do. 10% of the time, though, they are the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with ever in my life ever. Ever. Some of the things they “do.” If I never hear “SISTER, IF YOU DON'T DO [insert task], THEN I AM NEVER GOING TO BE YOUR BEST FRIEND,” or “...I'M NOT INVITING YOU TO MY PARTY” again I'd be OK with it. I'm not even sure there is a party on the horizon withing 10 months when that is usually said. Some of the things they “are.” Sick every other week to some degree or the other. And when you have three kids it's not simple multiplication as to that factor: it's exponential. I think that we are constantly sick between September and May. With only 10 or 12 times in the other three months. Super fun. 

We'll do it tomorrow...maybe.

I understand procrastination as much as anyone.  I live it, breathe it, and spend a good bit of my time trying not to do things.   Usually these are chores or other house-related items, but sometimes they spill in to things that are more professional in nature.  Do I get done what I am supposed to get done?  Absolutely.  Am I late in the performance of those tasks?  Never.   Do I sometimes have a day where I’m not as busy and could get a head start on the project due in 6 weeks?  Sure, but I don’t it that do that day.  Or that week.  Or, really, probably the next week.   It gets done, though.  I deal with commercial transactions on a regular basis where attorneys that bill hundreds and hundreds of dollars an hour work on all sides of the deal.  Sometimes there are numerous attorneys on each side.  My estimate on the actual “on-time” completion rate of these deals is 11%.  Literally.  I just looked at the last nine done and one of them closed on time.  I bet that’s the average over my career.  Why (when you’re making $50,000* to close something) can’t we do it on time?

*Non-word count related caveat - the attorneys make that, not me.  I wish. 

On Jack White

When you get paid to play music you are fortunate to be getting paid for your art.  Art that some people like and other people hate.  Art that runs the gamut from Mozart to Justin Bieber (morning sickness is rough, buddy).  Art that has people hating particular songs, compositions, or styles, just because of the genre they fall (fail?) in. When you get paid for your art you are a professional artist.   A professional musician, I think, is a different thing. Regardless, people absolutely have a right to expect a certain level of propriety in the administration of your art.  I think that’s a dumb way that I just tried to say “concerts.”  When you are being paid by 6,000 people (Jack White) or 17,000 people (Billy Joe Armstrong) or 85,000 people (his Excellency, W. Axl Rose) you kind of need to act like these people are paying to see your best work.   So, Jack, if you check out after 55 minutes for 90 bucks a ticket, even if you only got 1/3 of that you made $180,000.  Be crazy, be daring, be individual.  But if you are taking money from people so you can play your songs, be professional.